Three Things That Happen When You Don’t Make a Decision

People don’t like it when they have to make a decision. Especially when the decision feels heavy or confusing. It’s a lot of responsibility to put a stake in the ground and call a choice your own. Most people think not making a decision helps them avoid inevitable discomfort, pain, or even change. But there’s something else going on behind the scenes that’s much worse than any discomfort you could experience because you have to make a decision.

Three things in particular happen when you don’t make a decision that could be keeping you from having what you really want. And if all that’s stopping you from having what you want is what you think about what you want, then there’s really no problem at all. This isn’t a doing problem. It’s a thinking problem. And we can fix that.

You Keep Your Energy Tied Up in an Open Loop

Our brains love to close loops. If you’re an ambitious person and you have big ideas, you might find it surprising when you stall out. People often refer to this stalling as burn out, but there’s more to the story. When you’re used to being sure of yourself, or you’re used to having your own back, it can be disorienting to second-guess yourself when you have to make a decision.

In some cases, making a decision is easy: fight or flight kicks in and you just have to pick and lane and go. But in most cases, the decisions we have to make are of our own creation: we had an idea, thought or feeling and it’s creating some confusion. That’s not the end of the world. But indecision isn’t passive. It’s active mental work and it requires your attention as much as that fight-or-flight response you had to make earlier.

This is where things get confusing for people. In situations where you felt you HAD to make a decision, it became easy to choose between two paths. But when the decision is of your own creation, for example, do I want to change careers or refocus my business services, we can spin out much easier. Why does this happen? When we saddle ourselves with these bigger questions about ourselves, it’s harder to come to an answer. But if we treat it the same as any regular decision, the pressure releases.

The Feelings of Doubt

When you avoid the responsibility of making a decision, a few things happen that prevent you from moving forward you:

• rehearse the same thoughts and spin in circles
• replay conversations and wish you had said something else
• imagine future scenarios and try to control what you can’t control
• talk about it with multiple people looking for validation
• write about it and question yourself even more
• avoid it altogether and avoid the inevitable.

The truth is that you’re expending as much energy in avoiding the decision as you would just making it. In fact, you’d use less energy to make a decision if you’d just pull the trigger. You lose hours, days and sometimes even weeks in pretending you don’t know what you want. But what if you did know what you? What would you choose?

If that feels heavy, consider this: take a pause and take a moment to orient yourself to what you actually want and need right now. Instead of trying to solve the problem in isolation, show up for yourself and give space to what needs to be heard. Clarity often comes when we least expect it: in the shower, doing the dishes, folding laundry. When our brains get some space, it is better able to think. So what would happen if you created that space on purpose?

You Start Adapting to Something You Know isn’t Right

An interesting thing happens when you allow indecision to fester: your brain starts to accept what is and moves in that direction. It’s a powerful moment of indecision that can change your entire life. Almost as much as a powerful decision can change your life. While you pretend you’re doing nothing about a particular situation, you’re actually quietly accepting the status quo and that’s probably the farthest from what you actually want.

When we don’t decide on a path that’s aligned with out true wants and needs we:

• lower the bar and tell ourselves we should be grateful for what we have
• rationalize the reality we see instead of the reality we want
• convince ourselves it’s “fine” and nothing changes
• reshape our expectations and reshape ourselves to fit those expectations.

Not making a decision doesn’t mean nothing changes. It means you’ve accepted the situation. But have you really? Because if you’re reading this, you’re probably still wondering, what if I had chosen differently? The good news is you can make a decision that is different at any time. But you need to orient yourself to the situation and yourself in it. Otherwise, you drift into quiet compromise. And if you’re anything like me, there’s nothing that makes me as uncomfortable in life as compromise does. If I’m compromising in any area of my life, I’m not living my life to the fullest.

The Decision Gets Louder When You Don’t Make a Decision

We often think that ignoring a decision, however big, means it will just go away. We’ve even come up with cute sayings to avoid taking responsibility for ourselves and our lives, such as: “That’s tomorrow’s problem.” Or “That sounds like a future-me problem.” While hilarious when made into a meme on social media, this kind of thinking creates more noise than quiet. Because until you face the music, the decision looms. And it shows up in a lot of ways you might not expect.

When you carry the burden of having to make a decision that you’re avoiding, it doesn’t disappear. It escalates and can look like:

• irritability that you can’t explain
• restlessness that you can’t shake
• resentment that you can’t place
• fantasizing about escape and not wanting to have to do the things in front of you
• random emotional spikes that feel worse than they sound

Your Body Knows What’s Up

This isn’t random. Your body is asking you to make a decision so it can move on. What you’re feeling may be chaotic, but it’s actually friction. An unanswered question leaves a loop open and when a loop is opened, anything can slip in there and derail your journey.

The good thing about noticing that you’re irritable or restless or dreaming about escape is that you’re not coping out, even if it feels like that. The good thing is that these signs all point to something incredibly important: an inflection point. Something’s gotta give. And you know it already. You just don’t want to say it.

An inflection point is an opportunity to pause and orient yourself to the question and the outcome you want. It’s a moment where the old ways that used to work might not work anymore and you want to do something different. It’s a pivot of identity, direction or desire. And it’s a point where you stop running on autopilot. No wonder you feel uncomfortable.

Make a Decision to Decide

It goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway: the fastest way out of these feelings of discomfort is to address the elephant in the room. Make the decision. If you can’t bring yourself to actually make a decision just yet, do yourself a favour and decide to decide within a given time frame. If you can’t push yourself over the line, you’re not alone, and having some support in the room with you could help. Deciding to decide is a valid choice and if nothing else, it does move you forward.

Most people miss the opportunity to put a pin in a decision because they avoid thinking about it altogether but you can still make meaningful progress by promising yourself you’ll make a decision within a certain timeframe. It’s a simple trick that can change everything.

When you decide to decide within a given timeframe, you’re doing a few things that are very helpful. You’re:

• acknowledging the importance of resolving the issue
• giving yourself time to think
• allowing for orientation to the issue from a different perspective
• thinking about possible solutions in a container.

Moments That Matter When You Make a Decision

When you’re spinning about a decision, the question isn’t about what’s right or wrong. It’s about creating space for a shift to take place. When you commit to making a decision, you allow space to ask what:

• has shifted?
• do I want now?
• am I trying to preserve?
• am I afraid to lose?
• becomes possible if I decide?

That’s orientation. It’s not meant to rush you or make you feel like you have to reinvent your entire life. Orientation is about placing yourself in the situation and deciding what’s next from a place of power. And deciding how you want to be as you make a decision is as important as the decision itself.

Create Space to Reflect and Make a Decision

Let me ask you this:

• What decision have you been circling and pretending you don’t need to address?
• Is there a cost of not choosing?
• What would change if you gave yourself space to think clearly?

If you find yourself at one of these moments, circling the same question over and over, it might not be more information you need. It might be space. It might be a different perspective or way of thinking that will change your mind about this decision. If you want to give some intentional time and space to your decision, I can help.

Whether you’re trying to decide on a new direction for your business, your career, or your life in general, life coaching can help you gain clarity to create change and make those important decisions.